18 Weeks

Eighteen weeks of freedom. I can hardly believe it, because I honestly didn't think I would make it this far. God is good though, and I know that He has been guiding me along this journey of recovery.

I'm starting to feel like the chains are finally falling. The temptation arises from time to time, but with much less frequency, and it's decreasing more. I've gone through a couple of emotionally stressful situations that, in the past, would likely have resulted in hurtful behavior. At one time, at the peak of my sickness, it was an instinctive reaction to stress and pain. Eventually it became more of a conscious decision. Now, it doesn't seem like a viable option anymore. Even when I consider it as a way to cope occasionally, it is a brief thought that is quickly refuted by the truth:

It doesn't make the stress go away. Instead it adds to it, and cripples my ability to cope with everything.

It does nothing to solve the problem or to make things better. It is a problem itself, and it ultimately makes things worse.

It's not a lifestyle choice. It's an illness. It actively destroys my body and mind, two precious gifts given to me.

What I've discovered during these eighteen weeks is that I desperately want to be whole. I want freedom from this yoke of slavery, and I am beginning to experience it. I am overwhelmed because I feel renewed. I'm grateful in a way I can't quite put into words to my God who never abandoned or gave up on me, who sees so much value and worth in me that He didn't give up. I won't give up either.

The Lapse That Wasn't

This weekend was one of celebration. After four years that included a surprise deployment it Afghanistan, my husband collected his law degree. I am so proud of him. He especially impressed me with his work ethic and tenacity.

As happy an occasion as it was, it provided an opportunity for old habits to show up. It is normal to enjoy good food and drink while celebrating a loved one's accomplishment. But for me, it has historically been triggering for me.  An additional pressure was present as well - I had to work every day over the weekend to meet a Monday deadline. It was the longest work week I have yet at over 65 hours. I was tired, getting up early in the mornings to work and going to bed late at night after spending time with all the family in town for the graduation. It was a tough week, and I was about to enter a trigger zone - social gatherings.

I love our families, I do. However, it is challenging for this introvert to sustain conversation and interaction with multiple people on multiple topics for multiple hours. I become anxious and tire quickly, and this combination of states is by itself challenging to manage. Usually alcohol is involved at many social gatherings, and while, in moderation, it can help lubricate and encourage social interaction, it also can also loosen other inhibitions. Combine this with the tempting array of delicious foods usually present at special events, and it can be a very difficult scenario for someone committed to recovery, like me. 

However, these events shouldn't be avoided. My husband's graduation was well-earned and deserved to be celebrated. I wanted to celebrate with our families, and I was looking forward to it. We had a great time. His parents rented a house and hosted a barbecue after the graduation. Quite a few members of both of our families were there, including my brother and his girlfriend. I enjoyed a Sam Adams Baltic IPA (delicious!) followed up by some Woodford Reserve bourbon (strong!). The barbecue was great but the highlight were the desserts. I took a dessert plate and put a couple of tablespoons of each of the two cheesecakes and two bar types. I savored them outside while chatting and watching my husband open his graduation gifts and my six year old niece making flower rings for his grandmother. It was good.

My brother, his girlfriend, and I left to return to my house. I started to feel that familiar panic that sets in when I feel that I have been too indulgent in my food and drink choices. I was full, although not uncomfortably so. Not normally so, though. It was starting to freak me out. My husband arrived home an hour after we did, bearing leftover cookie bars he had been sent back with. 

Alone in the kitchen, I began to pick at the bars. Thoughts raced through my head. What are you doing? You've already eaten so much. You should be spending time with everyone, not sneaking bites in here. Or wait. You could just let go. One lapse won't hurt, right? 

I stopped. I had come too far to allow this kind of thinking back in. Even if I had gained what would be an inconsequential amount of weight from the evening's indulgences, it was okay. it was far better than reusing that fraudulent get-out-of-jail free card that would entice me back into my own prison. 

I choose not to go back. Damn it was hard not to. I walked back into the living room and snuggled next to my husband, silently thanking God for giving me strength to do what would have seemed impossible before. I chose real freedom over pseudo freedom. 

Sprint Triathlon Training Update

It's less than 10 weeks away:


0.5 mile swim + 17.2 mile bike + 3.1 mile run

= Sprint triathlon!


It can be challenging to find time to train with my variable work schedule. On any given week day, I work between 8 and 12 hours, and occasionally a few hours on the weekend, too. I enjoy my job and don't mind working a lot (the overtime is nice, too!), but it does make it hard to plan and accomplish daily workouts. I've been maintaining the following schedule for the past few weeks (for the most part):

• 3-4x week cardio (swimming, biking, spinning, running, or elliptical)
• 2-3x week strength (Mainly focusing on biceps, triceps, lats, shoulders, lower back, abs, chest, thighs and glutes.

With the cardio, my goal has increasingly shifted from pure length of time to quality. I've begun to focus more on interval training - periods of moderate activity interspersed with high intensity intervals.

I used to be a big fan of long cardio sessions. Part of that was from disordered eating behaviors, but part of it was because I truly thought that the benefit of a workout was directly proportional to its length. However, based on what I've read, it looks like interval training provides a lot of benefit in terms of return on the investment of time put into it.

The research is limited, but here's a sampling:

HIIT is Tme-Efficient and Effective, Study Suggests
A Healthy Mix of Rest and Motion 

Moving forward into the last 8 weeks of training, my weekly goals look like this:

• Swim 1x a week, adding on an additional lap each time (this will put me at 30 laps by the time of the race - need to check and see if lengthwise this is at least equivalent to 0.5 miles or if I need to tack on more.  Swimming will be the most challenging. Initially, I thought I would do breaststroke since it is my strongest and fastest stroke, but from what I've learned it can be difficult not to kick people with the frog type motion of the legs during the open swim. I have read that when executed correctly, the front crawl is around 20% faster than breaststroke

• Run 1-2x a week, preferably outdoors on a trail to minimize impact. One tempo run, one interval (fartlek) run. 30-45 minutes including walking time. Because of my lingering injury, I probably won't be running more than 1-3 miles at a time.

• Outdoor bike ride 1x a week, 15 miles or so (should take 1.5 hours max) + a 55 minute spin class if I'm up to it. Biking is my strongest, so while I don't want to neglect training for it, I would be better to focus on running/swimming. 

• Weight train the following muscle groups, at least 1x per week (fit in around cardio or solo): Triceps, biceps, shoulders, chest, back, abs.  I'm leaving the lower body out for the most part. With the running and biking, my legs are getting enough of a workout. Plus, I have limited time - better ROI on the upper half.

• Finally...yoga once a week. I really, really enjoy yoga. It helps me to center and focus, and the stretching is therapeutic.  Plus, it hits some smaller muscles that are harder to target. 

From what I've read, I don't need to do a full sprint triathlon practice before the actual event, and in fact it is advisable not to, so I don't think I'll need to practice the full length.

It is getting closer. Soon, I will post about my modified nutrition plan. Good stuff.